Understanding Myself: Weaknesses

So I’ve been avoiding this. The amount of time I’ve spent on Facebook and Instagram since I’ve been back from Goa this past week, I haven’t spent in the last two months. I was just somehow, I guess trying to avoid writing. But honest to god I feel like shit. Absolute shit! I’ve gone completely off my “healthy-eating” I ate two packets of Digestive Dark chocolate biscuits, chocolates, Muesli with NUTELLA and milk, Biscuits. Anything fried, don’t ask. (Luckily I didn’t eat meat. But I was really close) Yeah, since the past couple of days I’ve been indulging and how! I’ve been having these mixed emotions of hostility, anxitiy and this feeling of animosity to the self. Writing somehow always make me feel better so I guess somewhere through this blog I will find my answer and I will feel better.

Things which I constantly struggle with:

Control:

I have this constant urge to control and plan everything that happens in my life. At all times. It could even be meeting someone I like plan days in advance what I will say or even how I will approach the situation to be ‘perfect’ and make no mistake.

But most times I have to drill it in me that I simply cannot control situations or people. It is simply not in my hands.  However what I can control are my reactions to the situations and people.

Honestly, if it’s someone I like I act like a complete idiot around them. I don’t even know how to talk, sometimes I’m incapable of even framing a sentence and I just end up making awkward sounds. Or say something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever. And I’ll be completely embarrassed but then I just embrace my shyness and try not to make a fool out of myself the next time. Oh, let’s get this straight, before I wouldn’t even talk to someone I liked I would just walk in the opposite direction, completely avoiding the person.

It’s taken me a lot of effort to let things be and simply just live in the present.

 

Expectations:

It’s okay to have expectations but you have to realise that people will not behave and act the way you want them to, that’s simply impossible. Be it your family member, your best friend, your partner or anyone!

The only person you can expect anything from is yourself because you know yourself that well and you can either make or break yourself!

 

Comparing Yourself (To Others):

I have this constant need to compare myself and see the things that I lack in me and what I desire in someone else. Now I know this comes from a space of self doubt and the ego. Well the space of insecurity and need to self validate. I’m working on my self-confidence. Believe me when I say this I’m honestly an extremely shy person but I’m breaking out of my shell and I’m breaking the walls I’ve built for the past twenty years. And poring heaps of self love in the cracks.

Sometimes the superior ego comes into play where I would feel I am better than another person. And hence I will judge them. And this is something I thought I dealt with… prejudgement. I truly believe that everyone is fighting their own battle and hence you cannot merely judge them. I believe everyone has a story and they are the way they are because of a particular reason. And that is one of the reason why I love listening and I will always listen to their stories without assuming. Because even if we are all similar every ones story is different. But sadly I was mistaken. And there is a learning in the learning as well. Which will get to my next point… Regret

 

Regrets:

This is something which antagonizes me to the core. Because whatever decisions and hence choices I’ve make are purely mine and with complete awareness and thereby regretting would just make me more irritable. Be it the chocolate cake I eat or someone I kiss.

But sometimes I let my shyness overtake me and there will be instances where I wished I wouldn’t have been pre judgemental and actually gone and talked to someone I would have been interested in. Instead of shunning that person because of what everyone says and assumes.

And with this you learn to let go, at least try. Because something’s and situations are not in your control anymore. (Like I said, everything has a teaching!)

 

Excessive thinking:

I struggle with this. I think about every minute detail that I would have written my own book in my head either about a person or a situation. I can give myself a panic attack. It’s an addiction. It’s a pseudo sense of self.  I have to constantly tell myself “STOP IT! Breathe.”

The main thing about it is presence. Just be a witness to it. Becoming more aware of the present moment reduces the over thinking of the mind.  While you listen, there is no thought there is only an alert presence.

The mind will pull you in and that’s okay as long as you are aware of it and not being pulled into it. Unaware and getting lost in your own thought.

 

Negative Thinking:

So the excessive thinking leads to negative thinking. Negative thinking can be a habit of mind.  Thoughts sink in and linger there until you take action to get rid of them. When you first start thinking negatively, it can be tempting to try and force those thoughts out of your head.  You try as hard as possible to stop thinking about them and push them out.

But this approach often backfires.  Resisting those negative thoughts can actually reinforce that thinking pattern and just make things worse.  The more you try not to think about something, the more you actually end up thinking about it.

Now when I say negative thinking i don’t mean to directly go into extreme thoughts of ‘I want to kill myself”. But just thoughts as simple as like, ‘I’m so fat”or “I’m so ugly”. And these thoughts can linger and repeat itself and then become suicidal thoughts.

Writing for me helps because I get a better perspective of what all is happening in my head. It allows me to ‘see’, rationalize my thoughts and see what is happening in my brain. One could even talk to a friend so again you can ‘hear’ what you’re saying then automatically you can tackle the root of the negativity immediately.

The thing is when you are thinking of all of these thoughts in your head you do not see it from the third person. You see it from a small perspective which you have created in your head. But when you use your senses of ‘sight’ and ‘hearing’ you automatically see the holistic picture and hence you are not engulfed in your gloom-ridden state. You then can be pulled out of your own creation of cynical quicksand.

 

Mistakes:

I hate making mistakes; it’s taken me great amount of time to realise that’s where the learning lies. When you make mistakes, when you fail only then do you understand what has happened and grow out of it and learn from it. If you keep falling you will eventually learn to stand up and slowly start walking.

Failure, its nature’s chisel that chips away at all the excess, stripping down egos as it moulds and shapes us through divine intentions. Successful people reached their pinnacle only through failure. Failures along the way are what motivated them to excel. Failure is an inevitable part of success.

But true loss lies when look at it as a setback and out of fear never attempt to change considering themselves as failures in life!

When I feel this low and I cannot find internal motivation I sulk for a day and go on to google and immediately read motivational quotes, or watch motivational videos. So here are some quotes which are a few of my favourite ones. Hope it helps you too!