Inner Fire

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So I’ve been extremely low for the past two weeks. I was missing Goa way too much. Just everything about Goa. Playing in the sand, the sea. Just listening to the waves, it’s magic to the ears! It was just so peaceful. I was at peace.  Honestly, the freedom. That’s what I missed most, freedom.

It was the first time I stayed alone for two months, without the parental supervision. The fact that I was paying my own bills, doing things that I loved was very different. For example just making dancing on the beach gave me a sense of empowerment. As I was creating my own authentic art. I was discovering myself. I was learning and I was growing. And even though I was following a hectic routine I had moments for myself. Everything was free flowing.

I am someone who does everything too fast. Be it walking, eating, talking, breathing, texting or even making love. I am someone who would plan and organise and need everything to be perfect and in order. I couldn’t just go with the flow, come one, only dead fish go with the flow! I needed order and I needed discipline in all aspects of my life. My mind is beautiful (all sarcasm intended!) I can think a lot. And like I said in the previous blog I can give myself a panic attack just by over thinking.

Something like even having a romantic endeavour was alien to me. Because I would be thinking “long distance is just not going to work. I have been in a relationship for 5 years, out of which the last three years was long distance and that didn’t end up well. So no long distance as I want my man to be with men” And at this moment some sweet man might have just smiled and said that I looked cute. But I’ve already created my story in my head to why it won’t work out (You see where I’m going with this?) I could just never live in the present.

I need to control each and every situation. Everything has a pattern and a place and everything should go well fit like that. Goa taught me to SLOW DOWN. To breathe. To inhale and exhale without worrying or thinking of the next moment. To be in the present, (Something which yoga should have!)I worked on myself a lot in Goa. More than I ever have previously. From the meditation course because most of my blockages unlocked all my sense heightened. I was just so much more aware of everything around me. Earlier pain, something I could just sense that someone was feeling now I could feel their pain.

I was unlearning all my old habits of aggression and hastiness in everything. Of truly just living in the moment. Of actually watching the sunrise and sunset without checking my phone or thinking of what to do next. Of actually, slowing down and taking in each moment. Of inhaling the present and exhaling the past.

But as soon as I came to Bombay! Boom. Noises. People. Traffic. Smell. It was as if a bomb exploded and I was in the centre of it. It was all too chaotic for me. Things that I usually loved about Bombay, the madness my senses just could not handle. And to top it off I just had no motivation to work out for myself.

I took more classes than ever before but I was just …unhappy.

So I did the next best thing. I ATE. I just couldn’t stop eating. And when I say eat, I mean I let my inner untamed Natasha out. Chocolates, cakes, biscuits, cookies, pizza, ice cream were my best friends. And nothing healthy went in my stomach the past three weeks. I just craved sugar. I’ve not eaten like this in 5 months. I just pigged out. There were two moments that I even puked because I ate so much and I still continued eating. There was absolutely no self control. All my discipline went down the drain. I was just giving into my desires. And the funny thing was I allowed it. I indulged. And I couldn’t stop. I’m an extreme kind of person. I either starve myself or I stuff myself. Either way I was punishing myself.

I was just stuck in my unhappiness. Just stuck in my web of desire.

And the thing is, I know all the errors I was doing I could see it. But I just didn’t care. I could see my hips getting bigger. My breasts, ass, thighs and stomach enlarging. Me just becoming bigger. But I didn’t care.

When I say I didn’t care I mean, it would hurt and I would give myself a hard time for eating that doughnut and feeling horrible about it. But then I would eat another chocolate chip cookie. I wasn’t even enjoying my desires, I was just punishing myself.

To top it off I just couldn’t sleep at night so wouldn’t be able get up to either go for a run, walk or do my Ashtanga practise. And I would just be tired the whole day. It was a sick cycle I was getting stuck in.

I was slacking.

And I knew all I had to do is come out if the grave I dug for myself. But I wanted people to help me out. Someone to motivate me. I kept seeking for help. I wanted someone to motivate me how I motivate others. Because I couldn’t find the motivation in myself. The amount of inspiring videos, quotes books I watched and read, nothing worked.

And people were. They were saying exactly the things I knew. But it didn’t help. Because I was drained. I was exhausted. I couldn’t move. Every part of my body would hurt. I was mentally emotionally and physically drained. I just wanted to go for a vacation.

But you can’t run away from your problems.

Music helped. I locked myself in my room just listened to music cried my eyes out and just danced. Sometimes, in all your chaos you need to sort out your own shit. You need to take time for yourself and do things that actually make you happy. I know it’s easy to say “Ah, but I simply don’t have the time”. Make the bloody time then. Because, the little things matter. The little things will keep you sane.

And then I just slept. I slept from 21:30 hrs to 7.30 hrs. I slept like a baby. And as soon as I got up I spoke to myself. I said, “Natasha

The honest truth is no one will take care of you. You have to take care of yourself. No one will motivate or inspire you; YOU have to find that within. If you’re going to be a lazy ass. Not even god can come down (or up) and save you. You need to get out of the dumps and start shining again. And there is nothing wrong you can take a week, a month, 5 months even a year to get back, BUT just start. Understand this that the deeper you dig yourself the harder it will be for you to come out of the hole you created for yourself. You have come a long way, remember why you started. Don’t go back, there is no way but forward. You have burnt out your own fire which is alright. Everyone gets tired. Cut yourself some slack. You need to love yourself. You need to go for even a walk if not a run. Take it slow but you need to move.

Today’s a new day. It’s a new start. Come on, make yourself proud!”

I’m still trying to find my balance with food, not being too hard on myself and I know I will.

I ran today on the beach. Not the same as in Goa, but I ran and I won’t stop. I found my inner fire again and it will bring me out of the darkness.

Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.

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3 thoughts on “Inner Fire

  1. Thanks, Natasha, for not hiding behind a perfect veneer and sharing some of the difficulties of transitioning from a period of true self-connection. It is so hard to integrate our healing, learning and transformation to our day-to-day lives. Have you ever done at-home personal retreats where you just unplug and do healing, self-nourishing rituals all day?

    Liked by 1 person

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