It gets better 🤗

#TruthBombMon

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

5 years back I was at my lowest ever. I was broke, broken, insecure, anti social and had no hope to live. The break up with the boyfriend hit me hard and vulnerable. I thought and believed he would come back and I’m unlovable. All my insecurities shot up, my abandonment issues(cause my birth mother burnt her self and left me so im unlovable.) my rapist telling me “Marry me because no one will ever love you again” AND I believed him. My ex cheating on me and falling out of love with me was MY FAULT because I wasn’t good enough. To failing in Syba and repeating Syba made me believe that I’m stupid and can never achieve anything I HATED MY SELF. I HATED MY BODY. I HATED MYSELF. I was lost I was broken and I wanted to die. I was a people’s pleaser and didn’t know how to draw boundaries or how to say no I was always taken advantage off and I belived it would never get better. I used to cut myself and scratched myself till I saw blood then I would be satisfied. But when I was dating my ex I didn’t self harm because I was happy I thought I found “love” and all my problems would be over I belived as long as he’s there everything would be okay. But after the breakup all my insecure surfaced. I cut myself again after 5 years of no self harm I told Annika and she booked my flight to Dubai and she made me stay with her for a month.

I missed my first flight her dad booked another ticket for me. I felt so horrible because I never had the money to pay them back or anything. Also, 5 years back my relationship with my parents were pathetic. I wouldn’t talk to them i believed they would never understand me and they were the problem. I had felt so alone. So when Annika and her family took me in and that to for a month it restored some form of hope. I felt like there was someone. She wanted me to meet people to talk to boys, to dress us I never wanted to because 1. I hated men 2. I believed that my ex would come back.

When I was in Dubai now all those memories came back and I think for the first time I FELT how far I’ve come. Now when I look back that break up WAS THE BEST THING! Because otherwise I wouldn’t have even know I had Insecurities. I wouldn’t have even acknowledged my pain, I would have just kept suppressing EVERYTHING and I was so toxic in the relationship with my ex, with my parents with my freinds but worst of all with myself. The self hate was too intense and I didn’t know how to get out.

Annika’s dad asked me how did I reach here where I’m today and I told him “5 years back I was at my lowest of all lows. But y’all took me in and that gave me some hope that I wasn’t alone. When I came back I was worse but for the first time I felt , acknowledged, my pain. Eventually I accepted it and I started talking about it. I didn’t go to a therapist because I thought I was “crazy” and people would think I need to go to a looney bin. I was so scared. So I started writing about my feelings, I started talking about my pain on social media. And I was over sharing but in that over sharing a lot of people were connecting to what I was saying and I didn’t feel AS alone and social media became my therapy. I was just unloading talking and then taking conscious decisions to choose to get better. Also it’s been a year that I started going to a different therapist and she herself said now that you can come once in 3 months or so and that to for mental health maintenance. But I had to take the first step to get better. And because I was honest and always as authentic to my ability more and more people were understanding and what I started as my therapy I started getting paid for it and now this has become my work too.”

I have come so fucking far from where I was. I have unravelled layers of myself and genuinely accepted myself in body, mind, soul and spirt PLUS slowly learnt to pour love in the cracks or all the guilt, shame, anger, fear and hatred. I started believing in love and now after 5 years I’m in the best relationship with my boyfriend, family, friends but most importantly with myself. I don’t know if time heals all woulda I believe in time the wounds get dry, they get scabby and eventually IF YOU STOP PICKING at them they fall. I believe you learn to better equip yourself. I believe you figure out ways to take care of yourself and most times the wound heals but the scar still remains BUT you don’t care anymore because you’re focused on bettering yourself. You don’t believe the pain or trauma is your identity. You know you are bigger than that and somewhere by yourself over time with all the small work you’ve done you’ve healed and you’re in such a better space than you were. So you get stronger. And it aches less in your soul and you find strength and meaning in life. 💙