But I do it only for the pain.
I love the burning sensation where your lips crumble and the shooting sting is all you can feel.
That sensation of intense pain and then just numbness.
There is still a part of me that is addicted to pain.
Where everything is going wonderful and I anticipate the feeling of sadness seeping in.
Most days there is no concrete reason to it.
But I’ve gotten so accustomed to torment being part of my life that if I don’t feel sorrow, I feel something is off.
I feel like something’s missing.
And I know there should be a balance of happiness and sadness but for most of my life the latter was just a natural part of my subconscious that now if everything is fine my mind automatically creates pain.
My mind makes me believe the worst possible situation.
My mind makes me believe I am
My mind already makes me believe I will damage you.
And then I’ll lament on the horrific.
Of her touching you,
And it makes me sick.
Holding you the way I would have.
And I’m cringing because she doesn’t love you like I do.
Because she doesn’t know how to.
I’ve already sabotaged us because that’s what I do best.
I’ll expect the worst, making myself feel miserable.
But I know if I do it’s just so that I won’t be disappointed.
So I have no expectations because then I cannot be disappointed.
I would be once a favourite memory,
once a beautiful dream.
Once a hope.
And now we are nothing.
And here I write this, scared of the future where we have only held hands.
You want to be with me.
Or you just want to just fuck.
Or you just want to be here in this moment and experience me.
Whatever it is.
Darling, I’m not afraid of you
I’m afraid of me hurting you,
Because I’m so fucked up.
Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love😊