Dear Human Beings,
There is nothing beautiful or romantic in having a mental disorder. Not being able to sleep because of your depression is not beautiful. Getting anxiety attacks when you’re in a crowded room is not pleasant. Talking to your friends who no one else can see and when people call you crazy it’s not a nice feeling.
When you can’t stop the voices in your head, screaming to kill yourself, there is nothing wonderful in that. When you can’t get out of your bed because you are just stuck in a limbo. When you try with all your might to function but you can’t even go for a shower it’s not beautiful. When all you can do is sleep and when you get up and you’re still tired there is nothing poetic in that. When you cut yourself so much that you start to see your bones there’s nothing beautiful in that.
When you starve yourself because you want to punish yourself or when you become a gluten because you believe that in some twisted way, that food loves you, food will never let you down. Food will never leave you. So you stuff yourself. You eat till you puke and then you eat some more.
This is not fucking beautiful.
I haven’t been sleeping again. I Walk my lifeless body forcing myself to try and feel human. Where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. But tears don’t come out any more. These insecurities don’t seem to leave me. If you ask me what’s on your mind I will reply “nothing”.
I just feel pain. Like my insides have been pulled out of me with tweezers. Slowly plucking my skin with my own fingernails. I just want it to stop. Please.
But I manage. I survive. I still get up every morning feeling empty inside but I continue moving. Moving towards bettering myself. Moving towards hope. Hope, that one day I will be at peace with myself.
We are survivors. We don’t need pity. We are not doing this to seek attention or validation. We haven’t ever been taught how to love or be loved. But we are trying. We need you to understand to be patient with us. To give us space to grow. To be gentle with our hearts. We are fighting very hard to come out if it. Please be kind.
From a survivor.
Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love😊🙏