He told me you’re resisting love

He told me you’re resisting love.I avoided eye contact and pretended I didn’t hear. 
Of course I’m resisting love. Of course this has become my defence mechanism to push boys away. Pushing them to other humans. Why? Because it’s easier no? 
Then I don’t have to deal with “feelings” or it could be some twisted test in my mind to see if they are willing to actually choose me. And if and when they do. I will for sure think something is fucking wrong with them and then I’ll push them further away. Knowing full well that human beings are not lab rats and no one including myself likes or even has the energy for games but the truth of the matter is I’m just scared. Petrified. Scared of the whole bullshit love cycle. 
So it’s easier for me to ask the man you’re fucking to put on a condom because I want to have sex than tell a man I find attractive that he’s cute. 
It’s easier to have a “fuck buddy” than for me to be emotionally invested in someone. 
And I truly envy girls who can just walk up to someone they are attracted to and tell them how they feel. Like if someone I find attractive even approaches me firstly I won’t know how to talk and if and when I do find the words of speech I would say something as ridiculous as “I just farted” so in all awesomeness they can remotely not even like me! Like I destroyed all chances. *Pats self on the back*

And these girls are Goddesses where they might be having an “experimental boyfriend” and in front of their experimental boyfriends go and make out with other men. “GURLLL give me your confidence. I. Worship. You. (Of course they are under the influence of alcohol but still!) But I’m an awkward potato at the corner of the dance floor grinding to the wall because someone I actually find attractive is sucking someone else’s face. And I’m not going to do anything about it Because I can’t catch them things called “feelings” IT’S CONTAGIOUS !! 
Dancing is something I love and I can dance with anyone EXCEPT (yes you guessed right) someone I find attractive. Because in my mind I’ve already imaged making out with him so if we dance together magically he will know how I feel. And the worst part is if he knows how I feel is actually him maybe feeling the same. 
If he doesn’t like me, I’ll get over it eventually. I’ll write poems on heart break and sadness and move on But if he does, therein lies the problem. 
Even the slight possibility and then for sure I will screw it up because well, it’s me. I may get bored. Or lose interest or just not care anymore. 
So when he told me you’re resisting love, I avoided eye contact and pretended I didn’t hear. 

Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love😊🙏 

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