I cried my eyes out.
The last time I cried this much was when we broke up.
So much pain in my chest
I wanted to pull out lungs out.
I was lying down on the bathroom floor again.
Trying to calm myself down.
But I couldn’t.
I tried to cradle myself,
rocking back and forth where my mind was trying to comfort my body like my mother would have.
Or should have?
I don’t know.
I tried to touch my skin to feel comfort.
To feel like someone was hugging me,
But instead I started digging my fingers into my stomach
So that I could remove my insides,
Just so the pain would stop.
I feel dirty again.
I thought I was over this.
I thought I healed but his words kept running through my head.
‘You are different from the rest. Your heart is pure! Rejoice! The broken are the more evolved. Rejoice.’- The beast
I lay down on the bathroom floor fighting with every breath to get up.
I went in for a shower.
Hot water burning my skin.
I wish I was Daenerys
Able to burn through fire an still survive
Buring that self of mine which I’ve always hated.
Buring that part of me who wants to see death in the face.
Trying to wash the debris from my soul.
I start scrapping.
Believing that this filth is going to be on me for the rest of my life.
Ever song I listen , ever book I read or every movie I watch I’m going to be triggered.
My hair is short again
My breasts are fuller.
My hips are bigger.
My legs more inviting in,
I always feared I would meet him again.
But this time I know I would fight him.
I would fight with all the power I had in me.
But I did too when I was little.
But I was smaller then and he was bigger.
I DO have the strength.
But for now I’m going to let the water cleanse my soul.
So I cry.
I cry to feel my pain.
I cry to release the hurt.
I cry to forgive myself.
I cry to allow myself to heal.
I cry to be free…”- Natasha Noel
Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love😊🙏