My daily Mantra: “I am Strong”

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It’s simple, when you are born into this world that day is special and every year you celebrate it as your ‘Birthday’. I love birthdays, I love making people feel special. But for me birthdays are overrated. I guess I look at it differently. People should not think about making“one” day special, people should make everyday special.

It was my birthday a couple of days ago. My family was the cutest. So I try and sleep by 10 pm every night because I generally get up by 430. I was getting ready all snuggling up under my bed sheet. My parents and sister come dancing and singing in my room. I started laughing. My father breaking down some 60 moves will always be so adorable. We finished half a kg of healthy blueberry cheese cake between the four of us. Well, we gave little scraps to Maya because she’s part of the family.

I went back to sleep and slept only for an hour. At 12.15 my friends came home to wish me. It was really very sweet of them even though I told them not too. Hemanshi, gave me such a long hug, I guess I needed that. For some strange reason they were recording everything. (This is how the boys in my life show me love) So they bought me a chocolate pastry and a red velvet cupcake. I looked at it and I told them I will not eat it. I ate it. Apparently they put chilli sauce in the pastry and mustard in the cupcake!! I know… They love me a lot! (High amounts of sarcasm involved) But their plan didn’t work. I didn’t give them the reaction they wanted and then I drank vinegar as I thought it was water. This was prank no. 3. I fell for it. We all just burst into laughter.  We sat, talked and as I looked around the room I realised how much I’m loved. The people who care will always find a way to make you feel special.

As they left, I was wide awake. I was texting my friend Kirsten and he said lets go for a drive. I said that its 2am and I haven’t gone out late in a while. He said, “then maybe you should.” I agreed.  He was shocked. He came and we went out for a drive AND I DROVE! Let me tell you, Best.Feeling.Ever. I always thought I would kill people but I didn’t. Best birthday gift ever! I came back home by 3.30 and slept at 730 am.

They whole day I was answering calls and replying to texts. I did things that I generally do not do. I relaxed, watched some TV ate some cake. Correction- Ate a lot of cake. Things were going just the way I liked.  It was peaceful and my body needed the rest.

I prepared myself for my ex not to call or text me. Why would he right? He’s completely changed and he isn’t the same person anymore and by all his actions that he portrayed to me, he stopped caring about me a long time ago.

He texted.

I just stared at the text unable to think, unable to move. I felt a rush of emotions. I felt tears coming to my eyes. I suppressed it. I continued watching West Wing. But it kept coming back in my mind.

“He fucking texted”.

After six years of being friends, he bloody texted. I couldn’t stop laughing. Yes I know I should look at the positives, “at least he texted” right? It still hurt. I could feel the pain still pierce my chest.

I didn’t want to be here for my birthday. I wanted to go for a Vipasana. Now a vipasana is (in Theravada Buddhism)a meditation involving concentration on the body or its sensations, or the insight which this provides. Basically for ten days you don’t talk to anyone and don’t use any technology. I needed this. But I didn’t want this for the right reasons.Of course, I wanted to go into deep introspection of myself but more importantly I just wanted to run away from my birthday.From where I was. Because for the past six years he’s always made my birthday special. How much ever he knew I didn’t like it. Now I didn’t know which would hurt more, whether he called or he didn’t call. But he texted…I still find it funny.

I need to stay here and be courageous no matter what the outcome. I couldn’t run away, that’s the easier option. Knowing full well whatever the situation maybe, I will survive it. So I stayed resenting the birthday coming closer.

In the evening when my friend Sharrman asked me, “so how was your birthday? I smiled to myself and said, “Good.” Because even though I was upset I looked at the bigger picture I had friends that cared ever more than I thought. I think when you go through a break up, you lose sight of that. You lose sight of the people that care tremendously for you.Also, I did things that I never usually do. So what if for a moment it felt like the one person you loved so much put a knife into your lungs and you couldn’t breathe anymore?

I tried to go to bed earlier than usual but as soon as I lay down. I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I tried to stop, I tried to tell myself stop it. It’s over. MOVE ON. But I just couldn’t stop. Warm tears rolled down my cold face. I cried for the next two hours. Everything felt numb. I was numb. I started feeling dizzy. I walked and fell to the ground. I picked myself up walked to the kitchen took a pear and started eating it. I felt better.

I sat on my bed, crossed my legs and tried to mediate but the tears wouldn’t stop. My wheezing became worse. I closed my eyes and just started chanting. “I am strong” reverberated with my inhales and exhales. I started repeating it for the next half an hour.

“I am strong

I am strong

I am strong…”

The crying eventually stopped. I opened my eyes taking fuller breaths. I was not sad. I found myself calmer. There weren’t a million thoughts running through my head. Except “I am strong”

I eventually fell asleep. I got up in the morning, sat crossed legged on my bed and started meditating for strength. I smiled. I felt better. I picked up my phone and replied back to his text.

Ever since that day, I meditate every day. Even if it’s only for a few minutes. I mediate to ask the universe to give me strength and acceptance of the pain. I guess in a way if the universe knew I couldn’t handle this situation, I wouldn’t be dealing with it! I AM STRONG.

Remember, You Are STRONG! (:

Practice daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.

Leotard from PDA (Professional Dance Attire)

Much love

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4 thoughts on “My daily Mantra: “I am Strong”

  1. You have no idea what an inspiration you are! And how much you’ve unknownly helped me to deal with my pain with the negetivity inside if me. Everytime I think less of myself, every minute I miss him n feel the pain searing down enveloping all of a sudden I try to read your words. I can thankyou tor a lot of things but most importantly for getting it for not making me feel like the only one broken twisted. Thank you for for that beautiful empathy each word has and thank you for being so real about it, so strong. Remember, that I’d not vulnerability your strenght. Sending so much love your wayy♡

    Like

    1. There is no point going to a man who doesn’t love you. So no, I will not go back to him. I’m definitely not the ‘conditioned fool’ or whatever that means. I am saving my time, by investing in myself. By loving myself. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

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