Healing

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“Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest—thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the under wood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated. “- Beau Taplin

This quote just made my life! It applies both emotionally and physically. No matter how badly you’ve been hurt you will come out if it stronger! We all have scars, we all have body issues. We all think we are imperfect in our heads and all of us just strive for being perfect. The perfect hair, legs, ass, breast, waist, nose, eyes(I can give an anatomy class right now and go on… But you get the point.)

I know I have scars, and spots and folds on my body (and I’m only talking about my legs!) We all have something. Some issue with nags us at the back of our heads. Work towards a better healthier you! Don’t work to punish yourself. I know I did. And when I wasn’t getting the results I needed to see, I would push myself harder not giving my body time to recover and to heal and in the process I would fall sick and all the efforts I put toward what I thought “my ideal body” should look like, all gone, out the window!

And then I would eat unhealthy again because I was sick of where I was. I would take one step forward but be thrown back five steps. It would frustrate me. Then I resized I have to stop hating my body. Hating this ‘physical appearance’ of myself. Why am I so attached to how I appear to others? I’ve honestly never hated myself so much in the past 3 months (after the break up!) than I did ever did in my whole life. I became obsessed with my body thinking that, if I get “my ideal body” I would be happy then. I was obsessed about it. Every second day I would ask my friends, “Do I look fat?” When someone said I lost weight that would make me the happiest. But then the happiness would go.

I realised this is not who I am. I am generally a happy soul. I do everything in my power to make others also feel happy. But lately I’ve just felt all the happiness being sucked out of me. And I was getting angry at everything. I generally know how to keep my cool. But anything and everything people did would make me want to shoot them! I couldn’t recognise myself anymore.  Then what was the core being for all this? I did some meditation and came to a conclusion. It is my broken heart.

I was shifting my emotional energy to my body. Something I could control. I wasn’t taking care of my emotional pain that I was feeling.  You know the pain that pierces the heart and you feel like you can’t breathe? Because the one you love is choking you with words you thought were unimaginable from his mouth. “I don’t love you anymore.” He never said it when i asked but said “You know the answer to that. I can’t tell you, because I can’t hurt you anymore”. Ha!

I ignored. I ignored myself. I realize that’s what women do ignore and forgive and pretend it is okay. No, it’s not okay! It’s not understandable!  But if he doesn’t even have the courtesy to pick up the phone and call you or personally talk to you about it. Forget it. He doesn’t want to be a ‘friend’ (even though that’s what he told you) he just wants avoid you. By saying ” I’m giving you space” he’s taking his. He’s moved on. Which is okay, I wish I got fair warning. Because he’s over me and living his life and I’m here constantly crying and thinking, “What the fuck did I do wrong?” People grow out of each other. Mostly because of the lack of communication. And there were some serious communication barriers. I tried. I really tried. I kept asking if everything was okay, he kept saying yes, and that he was just tired. I believed him. I wish he was just honest with me.

But I don’t believe people fall out of love suddenly. But he has. The more I accept it and stop making excuses for him the more I realize myself worth. I came to an understanding that if I can love SOMEONE so much, why can’t I love myself enough to move on? I know its hurts and it’s hard but I’m going to respect myself that much by moving on. I kept asking questions which I got no answers to. I kept filling in the blanks in my head by expecting the worst situations. Did it do me any good? No, not at all. All I wanted to know was the truth. Now honestly I’ve reached a point of not caring. And I know him, he’s going to tell me I thought you needed space so I was giving it to you. HA! Giving me space, that always cracks me up. I don’t need space I never did. What I need is someone who would just talk to me. If for 6 years someone has been your friend, (BEST FRIEND might I add) and doesn’t know you then he doesn’t know you at all. Then I think maybe he does know me so well and is doing and saying exactly the same things that he knows is going to break you. Funny right?

The more I hate my body the unhappier I get. I’m just finding a reason to hate myself. And the worst is? You think everyone hates you. It  is utterly false. When your friends want to help you, you think they are mad. They aren’t. They are your friends and will be there for you. But you won’t see it in your “hate vision.” But in truth you will know the people who care about you now. If they don’t, they will walk out of your life. And ill give you the best tip for that leave the door wide open!

The first step to love myself is to accept my body, love it for what it is and then only could I actually take one step forward instead of five step backs. Accept the beautiful imperfections, the flaws because that is ALL ME. My body is only my physical appearance but how I am as a person inside is more worth knowing. This is something I honestly believe in. It’s not about your beauty it is how you are as a person. Your personality, your inner being should SHINE!

It’s a slow progress let me tell you that. There isn’t any magic pill, or any diet plan that’s going to get you results that you want to see. Or make the pain stop. People have told me time will help with that.  What’s going to get you where you want (even in life not only the body you want) that is CONSISTENCY and you need to be hardworking. Be bloody persistent. It may take one week or may take a month or may take one year or longer. But the journey is yours. There are no shortcuts to anything in life. There is no luck involved. If you work hard however slow the progress. You will start seeing progress. You will see results. And once you see it that should give you enough inspiration to not go back. You’re not going in that direction! You will heal just like I am healing. Remember “You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.”

Practice daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.

Much love

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Wearing PDA Dance wear. (Professional Dance attire)

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