Insecurities…Its your choice

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(Smile. It may be a bad day but it’s not a bad life! )

My mother committed suicide when I was three and a half. I watched her be engulfed by the flames; I can still hear her screams. I peed myself out of fright and I just stood there…doing nothing. That moment is still crystal clear in my mind, even after so many years.  From that day on, the insecurities just kept on building.

I truly believed that I didn’t deserve love and that I couldn’t be loved. Anything that I did, somehow I constantly ended up hurting people instead. I did things for people’s approval, never for myself. I believed in hate more than love. I believed in my fears. Fear of being lonely. Fear of being unacceptable. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being unloved. Fear of unable to love. I couldn’t see past them. I was buried deep in my fears. Buried so deep like quick sand, I couldn’t pull myself out. More so I didn’t allow anyone to pull me out.

My whole teenage life I was living in hate, hatred to others, hatred to myself. I would keep blaming “my mother abandoning me” as the cause and reason to all my problems. I was living in my insecurities and somehow deep down that comforted me. I built unbreakable walls up so that no one could hurt me ever again. Not realising I was causing myself unimaginable pain in the process.

But then I realized I was developing a temper, anything and everything would annoy me. I was constantly sad. Issues of depression, jealousy, lust, lying and even stealing to a great extent (But more on that on the next blog!) were becoming my characters. Nothing could make me happy. I realised it’s me who had to change.

I realized that it’s my mind that I have to control. I tried to dig deeper. I tried asking myself, why do I have these fears? If I am not comfortable being with myself, how would anyone be comfortable around me? If people don’t understand what I do, then how is that my fault?  How can anyone accept me if I don’t accept myself? How could people see the beauty in me if I can’t see it in myself? How can I find peace outside unless I find peace inside, myself? I cannot go from place to place in search of happiness. Money, people, material things can make me happy momentarily. But true happiness is a something I needed to find inside myself. It’s like a fragrance, you carry it around.

Okay, so I started understanding this, it started making sense but what do I do next? I realized that our thoughts are extremely powerful. Have you realised if ten people compliment you on let’s say ‘how you’ve lost weight’ but there is this one person who says, “Oh my god! You look so fat!” Boom, your whole world comes crashing doing. You don’t think about the other 10 people, who’ve complimented you; you just sulk about the one person who said ‘you’re fat.’ Thoughts are powerful. You can sit around feel horrible about the situation and not get anywhere or you can try and change how you think. The beauty about everything is you have a choice. You can do the things that make you happy or just constantly chose to feel pain. The sad thing is our mind is naturally attracted to the negativity, to hurt. It’s conditioned that way but then again you have the power to reprogramming your mind. It’s a powerful choice.

You cannot control the universe and you cannot flatter fate: Leave those things alone. What you can control is your reactions to situations. When you look into the mirror why do you see ugliness instead of pure beauty? We are all unique only because of our flaws. AND WE ALL HAVE FLAWS. Our flaws make us different from each other. That’s why no human is ever the same. But the sooner we embrace our flaws, the sooner well stop hating ourselves. There is and always will be always room for change. But STOP letting the negativity consume you.

 

Ahmisa the first step or the first limb under YAMA (the ethical restraint in Yoga) to the eight fold path of  Asht-anga(translated as Eight limbs of yoga {asht-anga}) which Patanjali has complied in the “Yoga Sutras”. The first is AHMISA. We get so carried away with asana (the 3rd limb or step) or Prananyama(4th limb or step) or even trying to just directly jump to samadhi.(The final step.) Patanjali was a very intelligent man. He knew that the mind is a beast to control and only once you tackle the beast will everything fall into place. Only then will you find harmony and unity between the body, mind, emotions and soul and the first thing to the path of enlightenment is Ahimsa which translates to non violence in thought, speech and deed. Ahimsa is considered the foremost aspect of “Dharma” or righteous living. Not hurting any living being physically, mentally or emotionally is Ahimsa.  This aspect is important for a spiritual seeker as “Himsa” or violence can create negative karma that can block or slow down our spiritual evolution.

Ahimsa, okay so you’re not killing animals or going around beating human beings, but what you may be doing is hurting yourself with your thoughts. Or even hurting someone else with your words or actions. Every time you look at yourself and say, “I’m so fat”, “I look so ugly”, “I can never love” or even just not appreciating yourself. Subconsciously you are killing yourself with your own thoughts.

Sense of failure is another form of insecurity.

Why are you afraid of failure?

Look at anyone who has ever become an expert at something. Every single one of them has, at some point, failed. Every. Single. One. What made them experts, however, was that they treated those failures like learning opportunities. Failure shows you what you need to do to succeed. You will fail. You will be disappointed. Embrace it, learn from it, and move past it. Be bigger than your failures.

I now understand that I cannot blame my mother or myself for what she did. Yes I truly feel upset about it but what she did doesn’t make me who I am or who I will become. My actions and the person I am makes me the person I want to be. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Yes my birth mother died but my life wasn’t over. I thought it was. Instead ive been so lucky I was brought into a family that loves me and I have met so many other people who have influenced me in such positive ways, all shaping me up to become this sensitive, positive soul that I am.  I’ve learnt to find hope. I’ve learnt to find joy in the little things. I now understand that when a door closes a window somewhere will open. I’ve learnt to be grateful for the little things because I have a choice.

Words are powerful but thoughts are even more powerful. Because thoughts become things when they are given substance with feelings in the mind. When you do don’t get a miracle you can still BE A MIRACLE FOR SOMEBODY!

Real change in how you feel emotionally begins with becoming aware of the beliefs and thoughts in the mind. The next step is to change those core beliefs.  This in turn changes how you feel about yourself. I changed the way I thought because I wanted to be happy. I chose to want happiness. I chose to have faith. I chose to have hope. I chose to be a better person not for anyone else but myself. If that makes me selfish, there’s absolutely nothing wrong in that. Because it’s time we start taking care of ourselves rather than expecting the world to. Because life will shake up, throw you upside down beat you to pulp but are you willing to fight and give it your all? The choice is yours…

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My biggest BODY insecurity is my legs. I’ve put on weight because of the break up from a five year relationship i was in. Comfort food(you can read about that in my previous blogs) became my best friend and escape. The cellulite became more noticeable.  I did feel horrible about it. But feeling horrible wont get changes. I started working out again. Its a slow process, But its a process.(:

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I look like such a dork in this picture BUT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! because I was sooo excited. So ive been practicing ashtanga vinyasa for a week(ALMOST religiously everyday) and i started seeing some improvements, not huge ones like jump throughs but i can see my strengths increased. SO now i can lift myself up from a split and i can stay for about 5 breaths. Long way to go but you got to hold on to the small joys!

Be grateful for each day! You are never alone. count your blessings.

Practise daily. stay safe. Stay humble.

much love

Natasha n.

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7 thoughts on “Insecurities…Its your choice

  1. Great that you are able to accept all this, you are aware of it,
    Its always about us, not about others , and the sooner that learning happens the world will be a great place to be, ( it never will me realized by all, with our education, which is OK STill, )
    Rajat

    Like

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