“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
“In the end some of your greatest pain becomes your strength.”
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
“To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!”
Honestly if you ask me I can quote life’s lessons on pain and how in time all wounds heal and that the pain will change you and make you become stronger. But you still feel it. You still feel broken, empty, sad and you know that EVENTUALLY everything will be peachy. But what do you do in the process?
The reason why I’m talking about pain is because I’ve recently broken up from a five year relationship. Yeah..I honestly never believed in love. With the things I’ve been through I actually believed I didn’t deserve love. But he made me see different. He told me “at least believe in us.” I did.
He was my best friend before we started dating. We knew everything about each other. What makes us smile, what irritated us. I loved all the little things he would do that like take away my rubber band because I would constantly tie my hair in a bun. His face when he was jealous. His face when he would fart and try and look innocent. They way he hugged made me feel I had no problems in the world. His sneeze. His smile. Him. It was just amazing.
In the five years that we were together for two years we did long distance. Oh we were the “mature couple”. We believed in work before anything. Which I loved, because we wanted to make something of ourselves. We believed in hard work other than just being in love and writing love notes to each other. We were different.
I could feel that he was being distant. I asked if we were okay, I felt that we weren’t, and he kept saying things are getting too tight. I will have no time now because I only have to concentrate on my work. And I would not be able to make time for you. I guess this is what long distance does to a person. I held back my tears and asked but “do you still love me and I don’t mean Care because I care about a lot of people but certainly don’t love them. But do you love me?” He said, ” I don’t know, I don’t even know the difference between love and care. I smiled and said, “there is. ”
I know he’s fallen out of love with me and that’s what hurts. It’s been a month now and I haven’t been myself. And I know the wounds still fresh But it feels like someone’s put salt and rubbed it sore. Usually I’m always charged with energy at all times but I’ve just been so out of it. For a month I ate all the wrong things and punished myself by starving. And again I started binging. It was a vicious cycle. I knew I was being extremely unhealthy and harming my body even more. But I just couldn’t care. And every time I saw myself in the mirror I could see the fat accumulating. At first it didn’t bother me then I became obsessed with it. I started to believe I was ugly. I believed that I was worthless. I believed that I was useless. I reached a point where I couldn’t get out of bed to even go for a walk. I just kept crying and crying. I was tired of crying, I could feel the emptiness from within but I still cried some more.
I didn’t talk to anyone. I kept repressing my emotions till a time I cut myself. And I just couldn’t recognize the person I had become.My best friend saw that I was torturing myself. She booked my ticket to Dubai. And I thought that would be perfect because it would be a breath of fresh air. My friends back home thought I was running away from my self. I was. I needed to be in a space where it didn’t remind me of him. I’ve been so addicted to his touch ever since I first experienced it. His gentleness had captivated me. The kindness in his eyes could melt my anger. The strength in his arms could shelter me from all the pain. My entire body cries when I am not with him. When he is at his worst, I see him at his best. In his mistakes, I see perseverance. In the weakness, I see courage. In his past I see what made him. In his future, I see what he will become.
The first two weeks of landing I tried to motivate myself I just couldn’t. My friend told me to keep talking about it that I have to stop repressing my emotions. It was so difficult I just couldn’t make conversation with anyone. (And I’m the talkative kind)There was a void inside of me.
You have to feel the pain. Its part and parcel of life but don’t let the pain consume you because it will destroy you and you wont have anything left. I made up my mind because I wanted myself back. I wanted my confidence back. I wanted to feel beautiful again. I wanted to smile without pretending. I wanted to be happy from my soul. I made up my mind that this has to stop. It been four days now, I started of walking and now imp running again and Ive been doing yoga.
Yoga taught me that the mind is the most difficult to conquer but once that is mastered through a systematic process of meditation, you gradually move your attention inward, through all the levels of your being(which include Senses, Body, Conscious Mind, Unconscious Mind and Subconscious or Latent Mind, gaining mastery along the way (Yoga sutra1.2 Yogash chitta vritti nirodhah) I stopped emotionally eating. I am crying less. When I look into the mirror I do not hate what I’m seeing anymore. I don’t find myself ugly anymore I know there is a lot of room for improvement but I’m trying not to give myself a hard time. The fact that I’m writing this and showing my vulnerability gives me some hope that there is progress, which is taking place mentally and emotionally.
I’m still healing. But what’s helping me remarkably is exercising. You need to keep your mind active and at least try and surround yourself with positivity. I started doing this, as soon as you get up in the morning stand in front of the mirror and just say one thing that you love about yourself. (Could be anything, even a beauty spot on your butt!)
It is very easy to love everyone but to love yourself is extremely difficult. To accept and appreciate the flaws that you have is truly a remarkable gift. But it doesn’t come easy for me. But you most definitely try. Because happiness doesn’t come with the amount of money you have (yes it can buy you things that will make you temporarily happy or even permanently I don’t know) but will it fill the hollowness inside that your feeling? Because no matter where you go, what you buy, who you become unless you aren’t happy with yourself, no one or nothing can ever make you happy.
You have one life which is actually very short you rather do the things you love and be around the people that loves you for who you are because no one in this universe can make you happy but YOURSELF.
Don’t ever give up on yourself.
You’re beautiful in your own way.
Practice daily. Stay humble. Stay safe!
You could see more of my love for you on Instagram: natashanoe001
Life’s a balance of holding on and letting go…
Holding on to the things that make you stronger.
Letting go of the things that make you feel pain.
But pain too gives you strength to grow.
Sometimes letting go is an act of great power rather than defending or hanging on.